Where Did You Go?
by aMUSEment345
Summary: Post-ep to Zugzwang. SPOILER alert, for those who haven't seen the episode. Hoping the next episode makes this story obsolete!


**A.N. Post-ep to Zugzwang. If you haven't seen it, and want to stay-spoiler free, wait!**

**Hoping that the next episode will make this story obsolete.**

* * *

**Where Did You Go?**

It was unnerving. The silence. So much silence.

It was silent in the loft, once the sound of the gunshot echoed down. They were all stunned. None of them could speak. Even Reid's sobs were silent. And then, a small sound. A drip.

Hotch moved slowly up behind his youngest, remembering when it had been him. When Morgan had held him, to stop his vengeful anger. Maybe to try to help him contain his grief as well. Hotch bent to do the same for Reid. He put one arm around the young man, and with the other, surveyed the damage. The sound of the drip was coming from the bullet wound to Reid's arm.

Hotch signaled to Morgan to call for a medic. For reasons he didn't understand himself, Morgan went outside to do so. It didn't seem right to break the silence.

Blake was more resigned than shocked. She'd been doing this a long time. Rossi was very much the same way. They'd lost people close to them, had cases turn out badly for their colleagues. JJ was, thankfully, far less experienced with this kind of loss. Even when Emily was gone, JJ had known she was alive. But she did know the grief of losing a loved one. As her mind slowly absorbed what had happened in the room, her heart went to Reid. Her tears were as silent as his.

Hotch tried to get him up, but Reid was lost to his grief. He heard nothing, felt nothing. For the first time in their relationship, he'd looked at Maeve, and she'd looked at him. He was still looking at her now. What, he wondered, do the eyes of the dead see? _Can she see me?_

The medics came noisily, breaking the bubble surrounding them all. Reid resented it. Their arrival made the event real, and moved them forward in time. They'd moved from the time his love was alive, and in the world, to a time when she was a part of the past. With the silence broken, he was now living in a world without the woman he loved. His brain raced, but the only thought it would settle on was just that. That once, Maeve was. And now, she was not.

_Where did you go?_

He wouldn't get up. Wouldn't leave her. There was a battle going on inside his head. _She's dead. She's already gone. It's just a body. But it's _her_ body, Maeve's body. How can I leave her? I've just met her!_

Hotch pondered the irony. He could stare down the most evil unsub, take someone on in hand to hand combat, but he felt powerless to get Reid to move. He didn't have it in him. Probably because he understood. If it hadn't been for the need to find Jack, he would never have left Haley_. For all I know, I could still have been there. _He turned and caught JJ's eye. It wasn't difficult. She'd not let her gaze stray from Reid since it happened. Hotch signaled her over.

JJ slowly moved around until she was in front of Reid, and knelt down.

"Spence." It was almost a whisper. "Spence."

The heaviest sobs had subsided, but his breath caught with each inspiration. Tears continued to flow freely down his face. His eyes were directed at Maeve, but JJ could see that he was staring. Looking, but no longer seeing. _Like Maeve._

Gently, she reached out and took his right hand, then realized it was covered in blood. She looked down and saw that his blood now covered her hand. There was something about it that felt intimate. Her touch finally caused him to turn to her, and he watched her look at their hands, at the blood. When she looked back up at him, he saw it. That sense of intimacy. And she saw the idea in his eyes, even as he formed it. JJ gave him the slightest nod, and slid back. She needed to give him room.

Without rising, Reid reached his right hand over to the bullet wound in his arm. The blood was flowing slowly, but freely. He collected it in his palm, and then moved over to Maeve. He placed his palm against her cheek, where her blood had streamed down from the wound in her temple. She was still warm as he mingled his blood with hers, the only gesture of intimacy that would be granted them.

"Spence." JJ called him again. "It's time." She reached out her hand to him now, the one still covered with his blood. This time her voice broke through. He turned, and let her help him up with his good arm.

"I don't…."

"Spence, you're hurt. You've been shot, and you need to get it looked at. Come on, I'll come with you."

"But…"

Hotch tried to reassure him. "I'll stay with her. Most of us will be here. Go with JJ now." It was as gentle a voice as Hotch knew how to produce.

"But she needs…."

JJ realized she was talking to Reid as she often did to Henry, when he was most upset. "She wouldn't want you to be hurt, Spence. She'd want you to get it taken care of. Let's go and do that."

The team all knew the bodies would be there for hours. This was a crime scene, and nothing would be moved until it had been cleared. They'd also known, even as he was doing it, that Reid had contaminated the scene by caressing Maeve's cheek. But not a single one of them entertained a thought of stopping him.

* * *

JJ insisted on waiting with him. Who knew how long it would be before a doctor would come to his examination room?

She couldn't pinpoint it, but there was something about him, something that made it look like he was disconnecting, detaching himself. It frightened her.

Reid was such a lonely creature. She'd been surprised to hear about his relationship, then _not_ surprised to learn how unorthodox it had been. But she'd been happy for him. She loved him in a complicated way, part friend, part brother, part….something else. But she'd never been quite able to understand him. Not in the way it seemed Maeve had. And she knew how precious it was to feel loved by, connected with, understood by, someone else. It changed your world. You were no longer alone. She mourned for Reid, so briefly familiar with that feeling.

JJ moved herself from the chair, to sit on the patient cot with Reid, her shoulder to his good one. She made sure they touched. She wanted him to _feel _the connection, literally. Somehow, she felt like she was keeping him _here._

Apparently he _had _gone somewhere else in his head. Because when JJ's presence brought him back, he began to cry again. Quietly. No sobbing. Just crying. Seeing it, JJ cried with him, and for him. She leaned her head against his shoulder, and he put his arm around her, holding on to her, holding on to _something._

Feeling the weight of JJ's head on his shoulder, holding her against him, Reid found his mind wandering. _Is this what it would have felt like? Maeve's head against my chest? My arm around her? Would we have sat like this, for hours maybe, together, happy, talking, being quiet, loving one another?_

He closed his eyes, and pretended. At some point, JJ looked up and saw just the slightest smile on his lips. She didn't understand, but put her head back down on his chest, letting him hold whatever thought had brought comfort, just a little bit longer.

* * *

JJ had to look away. They'd let her stay in the room with him, but she couldn't watch. Reid had refused anything to numb the area. Repeatedly refused, although the doctor persisted in trying to persuade him.

"I want to feel it."

"But Dr. Reid, I'm going to need to feel around inside the wound, for any solid particles that might be still be lodged. It's going to hurt…a lot."

"It's all right. I want to feel it."

Reid prevailed and, although the resident did his best to be gentle, JJ could see the pain in Reid's face. He endured it in silence, but the grimace gave his discomfort away_. I wish I didn't understand it, but I do. But I can't watch it._

There was torn muscle, but no broken bone. He'd need a sling, and would have to rest the arm for a few weeks. But he would heal_. _

_No, I won't_, he thought. _I'll look better, but I won't heal. I don't think I'll _ever_ heal. I don't think I want to. It might mean forgetting. And I don't ever want to forget. _

Honoring her memory, _keeping_ her in memory, was all he had to give her now. He couldn't even avenge her death. It was already avenged even before the bullet hit her.

* * *

JJ was forced to leave him when a pair of police detectives arrived to interview them, each considered a witness in the case. She tried to run interference.

"He's been through a lot tonight. Can any of this wait until tomorrow?"

They were sympathetic with their fellow law enforcement officers. "We'll take care of what we have to.…just what happened tonight….and then we'll let you go."

JJ was led to a separate room, where she told the story as she knew it, while Reid spoke to the other detective in the examination room. It struck JJ that this would be yet another assault on Reid. He was such a private person, made to share details of his only intimate relationship, first with the team, and now with strangers.

When it was over, they took a cab to his apartment, where Morgan would join them later. JJ fussed over Reid, getting him to a comfortable position on the sofa, making sure he could get back up using only his good arm. She made him tea, for which he thanked her. She noticed he didn't drink it.

His pain was still evident in his face. He'd not argued with the physician, but he hadn't stopped to fill the prescription for narcotic pain meds either. JJ released a held breath at that. The idea of dilaudid hadn't hit her until the pain meds were prescribed. Then she began to worry in earnest that this devastating loss would trigger his craving, his desire to forget. Had she been inside his head, she would have known his need to remember.

There was a brief argument when Morgan arrived. Neither he nor JJ wanted Reid to be alone, but Reid wanted nothing more desperately. He made any promise they asked him to, if only to get them to leave.

"I'll do whatever you want, but I need to be alone. Please."

When they didn't respond right away, he repeated, "Please."

Reluctantly, JJ agreed. "Okay. But, Spence, I'm going to call you to check on you. Please answer your phone. If you don't, I'm coming back."

Morgan nodded. He would do the same.

"All right, I promise to answer the phone. Just give me some time, all right?"

"All right." JJ teared up again, preparing to leave him, still frightened for him. She went to Reid and hugged him, speaking into his ear. "I'm so sorry, Spence. I love you. Okay? I love you."

Morgan cuffed the back of Reid's neck. "You make sure you take care of yourself, Kid. And if you need anything and don't call me, I'm gonna be mad."

Reid huffed. "Heaven forbid."

* * *

After they'd left, Reid thought about those final words he'd said to Morgan. 'Heaven forbid.'

_Heaven. Do I believe in heaven? Should I? If it exists, what is it? _Where_ is it? Maeve, where are you? Where did you go?_

The logical side of his brain looked at what had changed. For most of the past year, they'd communicated. And it had added up to, as he'd told Morgan, 2412 hours. Only that. The rest of the time, there had been silence. But they'd still had each other. They'd had the knowledge of each other, the promise of the next time. But in between, there had been the silence.

His world was silent _now_. Was that so very different?

And then the emotional side of him took over. The side that was much less developed. It was having to mature rapidly.

Twenty four hours ago, he'd lived in relationship. He'd never seen her, never touched her, never even been in the same room with her. And yet he'd had a relationship. And now, just a day later, he'd accomplished the three superficial things….he'd seen her, touched her, been together with her….and lost the only thing that mattered. He'd lost the relationship.

_Or have I? _

She'd given him that quote from Thomas Merton: "Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone. We find it with another."

She'd reminded him of it, in those final seconds. She'd been telling him that her life had reached fulfillment, in her relationship with him. And she'd been telling him to go on, and live his life for both of them.

_Does a relationship end because a life does? Will I still be the man Maeve Donovan loved? Loves?_

For Reid, this was all unfamiliar terrain. He was used to pondering mathematical equations, and theoretical constructs. Nothing had ever challenged him as much as this. He felt a desperate need to understand, and yet understanding eluded him.

His cell sounded. JJ.

"I'm okay. See, I answered it."

"Spence, are you sure you want to be alone? I could come, or Morgan….or you could come here."

"Thank you. I appreciate it, but I really need to be alone, JJ. I have so much to think about. There's so much I don't understand."

"About Maeve?"

"About what happened to her. I don't know where she went. I'm trying to figure out where she went."

"Went? When?" And then she realized. "When she died? You're trying to figure out what happens to us when we die?" She remembered doing it so long ago, as a child, when her sister died.

"_He_r. Not us. I just want to know where _she_ is. Where did she _go_?"

JJ was beginning to think she should go over there. This didn't sound like Reid. Or….maybe it did.

"Spence, you're trying to apply logic to a situation that is anything but logical, aren't you? You're trying to solve this with reason."

"I should be able to, but I can't. I can't understand it. She was here, and then she wasn't. Just like that. In an instant. One moment alive, the next, not. One moment in love with me, and the next….."

"The next, _still_ in love with you, Spence. One thing I _do_ know is that love never dies, and it's never wasted. It changes us, and makes us grow. I learned that when I lost my sister. I was never the same person again, but the person I was, the person I am now, was formed by having loved her….and by having lost her. We carry it all with us. You'll carry Maeve with you, Spence. If she went anywhere, it's inside you." She was crying as she spoke.

As was he, listening. "She's here, you're saying. With me. Because we _were_ together, we'll always be together."

Sniff. "Yes. And even if you love someone else someday, you'll carry Maeve with you. And that love will be richer because of her."

He couldn't conceive of loving anyone else, ever. But he understood what she was saying to him.

"Thank you, JJ."

"Will you be all right? Are you sure you don't want…."

"I'll be all right. Get some sleep and I'll see you in the morning." They had to meet with the police again. The whole team did.

When she'd rung off, Reid sat, once again in silence. Pondering, ruminating, still trying to understand, getting nowhere. Finally, mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, his mind quit on him. The thinking ceased, and the feeling began. The hurt, the joy, the love, the pain, the hope, the loss. He allowed himself to be immersed in feeling….and, in so doing, he found her. Filling him, inside, finding the places he was broken and making them whole. A painful stretching, this living for two. One that would take many days, and weeks, and months, and maybe years, to achieve. But at least it was beginning.

_Where did you go?_ He asked again.

This time, she answered. _Here, Spencer. I'm right here. Always._


End file.
